Once upon a time, Zaka was significantly more of a
good productive and promising kid. While possessing immense cheek and idiosyncrasy, I still did pretty well in elementary.
While in elementary school, I had this compulsion drilled into me well enough that I literally never intentionally skipped school. Sure, I was very often five minutes or so late – but that’s very much not the same thing.
Then came high school, and at some level of depression-rektage I didn’t care much about anything – so why the hell should I care about getting to this shitty (disclaimer: my high school was good and had good teachers, ok? Don’t think of it that way.) lesson when I can stay at home and enjoy myself (or perhaps desensitize myself) somewhat better? Thus, my attendance and grades plummeted (slight exaggeration on the grades thing, but it really did hit me hard in some subjects).
This habit of skipping whenever I felt like it has stuck with me ever since, and has done me much harm, especially during my unspectacular attempt at university education. And when I did that six-month trainee thing and skipped like three of them. And when I missed all those medical appointments, too…
Alright, enough backstory. I might get my parents killed if I go any further.
I’ve been going to a mental health clinic (I may need to find a proper phrase for this at some point) for a while, ever since I first got into the whole bipolar disorder thingy, meds and so on. Recently I’ve been seeing a counselor. Now, usually I kind of lie and dodge and whitewash what I really feel to match the profile of a guy that’s very definitely going to do stuff, totes, but I think I’ve mostly opened up to her at this point.
Yes, my goal is to be independent and have a job and my own place to live. But what she’s kind of picked out, and I’m surprised that she really got that far down, is my absolute loathing of and paralysis by anything I have to do, or is my duty to do. Things I should do.
This includes… almost everything that’s not fucking around playing games. Even VNs and anime et al. suffer from this, as they are in my backlog and thus “musts” of a kind. Obviously studying fapanese et cetera gets hit, as does monitoring the twitter (part of why I don’t do it every day but once every two days or more at times. That is easier though, but also monotonous somehow.) Don’t be talkin’ to me ’bout za ‘zette. I kind of like writing, I kind of like editing, but having to do either is a major problem for me.
It’s near paradoxical: the more I feel I have to do something, the harder it is to make myself actually do it.
I’ve been given a task by her. I’m supposed to think of things that I, and solely I, want to do. No musts, no have tos, no shoulds. It’s hard as hell. I think I know one thing – it’s honestly a pretty weird one, but I really do feel like it. Of course, if someone tell me to go ahead and do it then, it will become a should, and then it won’t be fun any more… I guess. Hell, maybe it’s converting now just by me thinking about that happening.
On Monday, five days after my last visit, I have my next appointment. I don’t think I’ve been trying this hard enough: she said to set apart some time every day for it. But well, I have been thinking about it passing, but I’ve mostly just dodged the subject mentally altogether because it’s just so damn hard. Some really silly stuff has popped into my head though, so I’m thinking of like, making a silly and a “”serious”” list.
…Maybe the serious thing is the problem in the first place? Is this what she’s actually looking for? I suppose in the end, I should stop worrying about honestly making me look like shit and admit that one of the things I really want to do is sample a fuckload of different chocolates and other snacks. Maybe.
It’s a very primitive wish, going straight into the brain’s reward loop. But perhaps that’s what she’s looking for…
…See, there I go. I want to present this facade again, despite it being actively counterproductive. This is a chronic problem for me. I lie, dodge, and whitewash. Granted, I guess near everyone might have the same problem… but in my situation, it really is a stupid obstacle.
See you whenever I post next, I guess.