Elucidation of current real-life situation; belated but grand New Years’ resolutions!

There are many reasons for me to consider myself a bad person right now. Inferior.
While I hopefully keep a reasonable standard of decency on the internets, in real life things are not going so well.

You might be aware that I am enrolled in some kind of welfare program. It gives me a small grant each month – amusingly enough less than what you get on the dole, apparently, even if you haven’t been employed once in your life. Unfortunately, I can’t really say I’m really earning any kind of pay at the moment – because for the last two out of three weeks, I didn’t turn up for work at all. Many factors contribute to this… but mostly, it was just because I felt like being lazy.

Todaymorrow, I start work for this week – I work from Wednesday to Friday for now; extending it to Tuesday kinda went down the drain last year, when I had sleep problems and depression and random shit drag me into a situation similar to where I am now.

My mum is sick, and will be at home todaymorrow; I don’t have an easy escape from work like spending the last hours in a library or anything. Thus, there is a decent probability of me getting myself together (but also a possibility of me just saying FUCK THIS JESUS CHRIST SLEEP because I’m writing this at 4:15am – great planning).

Thing is, what I wanted to achieve with this whole program thing wasn’t just money, although even the trickle I get is pretty delicious. It was the ability to keep to some kind of routine, some schedule. This has been a major issue for me previously; while I certainly had other problems, one of my big problems in Uni was not going to lectures. I’m not even sure if I’ve progressed on that front – which is quite depressing, really.

This lack of ability to commit to any activity is a part of me that I really despise. My lack of self-expectation has been built up through years of failing to honor commitments, big and small; I guess you could call it learned helplessness.

I’m kind of tired of that attitude, honestly. Sure, it’s a valid way of protecting myself against major emotional distress – if I don’t expect to succeed, I’m unlikely to hate the /inevitable/ failure as much.

But damn, it doesn’t really get me anywhere.

How do I get out of this, though? I don’t know. Consistency is hard work for me, and I have hilariously strong mental reactions to hard work – the minute I start to think about it, my brain immediately starts telling me I’m tired; it’s almost like a fog. This progressively happens to things I consider fun, as well – if I try to do anything consistently at all, the brain switch trips. All in all, this makes my engagement pattern with any project consist of a sharp spike of activity, then death.

Well, time to have a go at not being wishy-washy, perhaps?

New Years’ resolutions are usually seen as promises to be broken by the more cynical of us; I know I’m one of them. Hell, it’s not exactly New Years’ now anyway (though I did manage to get this done in January, at least.) I don’t think I’ve ever made a serious resolution in my life.

But goddamn if it wouldn’t be a delicious mix of irony and sincerity to try, right now.

I’m intentionally making these promises a bit ridiculous to me. Because really, none of them /are/ in any objective sense. Here we go:

*I will take my anti-depressives and mood stabilizers every day. I stopped recently for whatever reason, and I doubt it’s helped me any.
*I will learn at least 100 new kanji per week using the RtK method. I will review kanji every single day.
*I will turn up at work every single day I am reasonably able to. I will turn up on some days I find really hard, as well. Tomorrow will be such a day, probably.
*I will make an actual attempts to maintain reasonable sleep habits. If I get thrown out of rhythm, I will start trying to fix it /the next day/.

Well, that seems decent enough. Just grandstanding? Perhaps. We shall see!


2 thoughts on “Elucidation of current real-life situation; belated but grand New Years’ resolutions!

  1. Tay

    Your comments about difficulties in commitment, feeling helpless, and feeling “tired” when these things come up really spoke to me. When I go through low periods (such as a major, year-long depressionfest which nearly killed me) I find myself feeling those same things.

    Not directly related to this post, but speaking to my own experience: During my bout of serious depression, my internal self-talk was extremely negative and critical. Clinging onto a visual novels (somehow they helped me continue to feel things — I was numb, otherwise), my wife and an online social community which we share, helped me survive through the worst of it. It lasted a long, long time, though, and it profoundly affected the way I lived my life. I feel like it was something I had to suffer through — there was no way to speed it up or get around it. It was a brutal time for my schoolwork, too: I had to withdraw from most of my classes (and lost tons of money doing so) for 2 semesters in a row. I hated myself for not being able to “just” get my act together and do the stuff that seemed so natural and easy to most other people, like going to lecture.

    Well, for me, the fog didn’t lift until the summer when I took a class which got me up and out of the house. I lived in the desert for three weeks doing research, I didn’t have any access to the internet (though I did have Fate/Stay Night and Katawa Shoujo on a tablet ;)), and I had a chance to reinvent myself. That worked for me. But that may only have been because I was finally coming out of a dark, hellish period.

    I like your resolutions. Taking mood stabilizers/anti-depressants is a good idea. Feeding your mind is a good idea, too. I suggest making sure you walk ~an hour a day: it’s made a HUGE difference in controlling my depression.

    Anyway, great post. I wish you the best with this. I’m here if you ever need support.

  2. Kaguya

    Well, people have different ways of living their lifes. Honestly, I think that as long as you’re feeling good and you’re not about to be arrested/become homeless/starve to death/etc, you should be ok.

    Well, I hope you succed at what you’re trying to do. Just remember to not do something you dislike because “it’s your duty” or something like that. Good luck, zaka~


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