There are many reasons for me to consider myself a bad person right now. Inferior.
While I hopefully keep a reasonable standard of decency on the internets, in real life things are not going so well.
You might be aware that I am enrolled in some kind of welfare program. It gives me a small grant each month – amusingly enough less than what you get on the dole, apparently, even if you haven’t been employed once in your life. Unfortunately, I can’t really say I’m really earning any kind of pay at the moment – because for the last two out of three weeks, I didn’t turn up for work at all. Many factors contribute to this… but mostly, it was just because I felt like being lazy.
Todaymorrow, I start work for this week – I work from Wednesday to Friday for now; extending it to Tuesday kinda went down the drain last year, when I had sleep problems and depression and random shit drag me into a situation similar to where I am now.
My mum is sick, and will be at home todaymorrow; I don’t have an easy escape from work like spending the last hours in a library or anything. Thus, there is a decent probability of me getting myself together (but also a possibility of me just saying FUCK THIS JESUS CHRIST SLEEP because I’m writing this at 4:15am – great planning).
Thing is, what I wanted to achieve with this whole program thing wasn’t just money, although even the trickle I get is pretty delicious. It was the ability to keep to some kind of routine, some schedule. This has been a major issue for me previously; while I certainly had other problems, one of my big problems in Uni was not going to lectures. I’m not even sure if I’ve progressed on that front – which is quite depressing, really.
This lack of ability to commit to any activity is a part of me that I really despise. My lack of self-expectation has been built up through years of failing to honor commitments, big and small; I guess you could call it learned helplessness.
I’m kind of tired of that attitude, honestly. Sure, it’s a valid way of protecting myself against major emotional distress – if I don’t expect to succeed, I’m unlikely to hate the /inevitable/ failure as much.
But damn, it doesn’t really get me anywhere.
How do I get out of this, though? I don’t know. Consistency is hard work for me, and I have hilariously strong mental reactions to hard work – the minute I start to think about it, my brain immediately starts telling me I’m tired; it’s almost like a fog. This progressively happens to things I consider fun, as well – if I try to do anything consistently at all, the brain switch trips. All in all, this makes my engagement pattern with any project consist of a sharp spike of activity, then death.
Well, time to have a go at not being wishy-washy, perhaps?
New Years’ resolutions are usually seen as promises to be broken by the more cynical of us; I know I’m one of them. Hell, it’s not exactly New Years’ now anyway (though I did manage to get this done in January, at least.) I don’t think I’ve ever made a serious resolution in my life.
But goddamn if it wouldn’t be a delicious mix of irony and sincerity to try, right now.
I’m intentionally making these promises a bit ridiculous to me. Because really, none of them /are/ in any objective sense. Here we go:
*I will take my anti-depressives and mood stabilizers every day. I stopped recently for whatever reason, and I doubt it’s helped me any.
*I will learn at least 100 new kanji per week using the RtK method. I will review kanji every single day.
*I will turn up at work every single day I am reasonably able to. I will turn up on some days I find really hard, as well. Tomorrow will be such a day, probably.
*I will make an actual attempts to maintain reasonable sleep habits. If I get thrown out of rhythm, I will start trying to fix it /the next day/.
Well, that seems decent enough. Just grandstanding? Perhaps. We shall see!