Monthly Archives: November 2013

Well, this will make me feel like shit.

You know who sucks? Me.

I’m tired right now. It’s 7:19 AM, and I haven’t slept for more than around four hours, in scattered sections of fuck-you-zakaness.

I don’t want to fucking give a fuck right now.

At 9 AM, the alarm clock will sound. I will just turn it the fuck off. You see, my dad now has a damned place to work. This means that although one of my parents might come home early, at least I avoid the intolerably irritating morning shouting bullshit that I’ve stopped really caring about a multitude of years ago.

This thought of “hey, just skip work faggot!” came to me some minutes ago.

Frankly, it feels more or less like destiny at the moment.

You can tell me all the arguments you want to try to change my mind here.

The thing is, I know all of them. That’s because I constantly tell them to myself whenever something like this happens to me — look at that passive form! Not my fault, bro. Not my fault; just my fault.

Not doing what you should be doing while knowing you should be doing them, fully understanding your own hypocrisy, lies and simplifications, yes. I know.

It makes me feel like shit, but here I am.

This totally isn’t my fault.

And it is.

Holy viewcount, Batman: some wordpress stats for my recent post

As you might have seen linked in a short post a little while ago, I wrote a review of True Remembrance recently. I got this thing linked from a bunch of places in an attempt to up viewership, and hey, looks like we managed to scrape together some 400 visitors at least. If even 1% of those try the vn… I’ll have had four people read a vn I love.

Probably worth the three or four hours total I spent on it.

As it’s now been three days since I posted the review, I figure I’m probably not getting that much more data out of it. Thus, I can now bravely present you with stats!

Wordpress stats overview for Sometimes Clever, November 23rd tooltip displayed

The day I’ve selected here isn’t actually the day I published the review – this is pretty relevant, and I’ll get back to that soon enough.

November 22

Originally, I hyped the review on twitter to my totally massive number (over 40!) of followers (mostly because I was still waiting on shcboomer to get it edited). As soon as it was out, I tweeted about it’s magnificent completion as well (and got a retweet from solidbatman — who is doing a 24 hour livestream of little busters on December 2nd, by the way — always something. Well, he is the blog owner and everything…).

This got me a massive number of visitors: one.

Well, I decided to try to actually get some publicity for this thing, so I turned to Naomi, one of the people handling the Fuwanovel blog, Visual Novel Aer. She liked it enough to make a post about it, and it was up there for a while.

WordPress isn’t showing me a single referrer link from fuwanovel, but I suspect that’s probably an issue with the interwebs rather than not getting a single click. In fact, only 1/7 of views are even accounted for by referrals this day. Pretty weird. Also, apparently 8 referrals were results from google search. I have absolutely no clue. Sadly for statwhores worldwide, our friend google has started encrypting this stuff, so I can’t see the terms used. Googling “true remembrance review” without quotes does get my blog on my computer… at position #6. And that’s now…

Well, who knows.

The 71 views on this day amounted to 45 visitors; 1.58 views per man. Either most views this day were from word-of-mouth somehow, or they were from the visual novel aer blog. I suspect it’s probably the latter.

View distribution for September 22nd

View distribution for September 22nd. Note that Home page/archive means they visited some other part of the site after reading the post.

Quite a few people seemed to check out the blog main page after this, which is nice. A few even clicked some other stuff — yay!

Apart from random stuff I see in the post now I want to edit, I do realize I dropped the ball in one aspect – I forgot to interlink my post with my earlier one on batman’s blog, or, well, anything internal. Oh well, I’ll be better next time mum no don’t hit me oh god why are you holding an axe

Apart from Twitter and Visual Novel Aer, I also posted a link on the TvTropes visual novels subforum (very disappointing. One view. Place is close to dead). Linked it in #fuwanovel and #tlwiki as well, not sure if anyone actually clicked that stuff though.

Then I thought: Alright, I’ve already spent quite some time whoring this thing. Where else can I post this?

I’m not really familiar with most vn sites, and in general, I doubted I’d get that much of a boost from them. Vndb discussions move slow as fuck, and I’m not involved with erogedownload/whatever else is out there at all. However, there is this place I refresh once in a while… It seems kind of dead, but it does get new stuff every once in a while: the visualnovels subreddit.

September 23

I didn’t think reddit would really be a big factor, and mostly posted there as an afterthought. One of the things that worried me somewhat is that I was basically promoting myself, which isn’t necessarily in line with reddit etiquette. I picked a neutral title: “True Remembrance review”. Not sure what effect on goodwill this really had, to be honest.

Wordpress referrer stats for November 23rd.

WordPress referrer stats for November 23rd.

In retrospect, it’s not hard to see that reddit has some serious potential. Given how participation inequality works, It’s actually pretty impressive how some threads can get significant numbers of comments there. Not only that, it has six thousand subscribers. Man, Fuwanovel gets like 6k visits per day. Granted, not every one of these people is going to check, but still. I’m a bit saddened by only getting one comment on the actual submission, but the views are definitely welcome.

The total views and participants were both at all time high levels for the blog. To repeat the info from the first image: 324 views, 256 participants. Views per participant dropped to 1.27, though, so I guess it’s not a complete, hypah unanimous victory. Nevertheless.

Wordpress view distribution for November 23rd.

WordPress view distribution for November 23rd.

 

I note that quite a few views are still unidentified here. I was still on top of the the Visual Novel Aer front page at this point, and I guess that probably pulled a lot of the referrer-less people in.

While this was probably the most interesting day, I’ll provide the September 24th stats for completeness’ sake:

Views: 135
Visitors: 103
Views per visitor: 1.31

Wordpress referrer stats for November 24th.

WordPress referrer stats for September 24th.

 

Wordpress view distribution for September 24th.

WordPress view distribution for September 24th.

I think it was this day I was pushed off the first visual novel aer post by the announcement of chaos;child, which I suppose is alright. I guess it might have lost me some 20 to 40 views, but that blog’s not my personal plaything and I’m happy I got the attention at all 😛

I AM NOT BITTER AT ALL NO NO

MUM NOT THE AXE AGAIN

*ahem*

Other tidbits: The country distribution is very US-centered, with Canadian IPs being about 1/5 of those and anything else more or less in the single digits. I suppose that for now, Europe might not be that good of a vn market. It’s sad. I didn’t see a single visit from Sweden. Please stand by while I cry about this.

*cries*

Oh, and in total, I got 15 clicks to pages distributing True Remembrance during these three days. I would like to say thank you to everyone that went out and downloaded the novel, and I hope you will enjoy it.

I was just trying to spend the time until the pizza place around the corner opened and now its already thirty minutes past that and I still have to do some link markup jesus

…12:07. Linking done. Hours spent on post. Maybe worth it.

Tl;dr: Reddit give much views, such visual novel aer lack of referrer, so blog, very cool, wow

Worse than expected: my Friday failure, and some background history.

In stark contrast to yestoday, Friday went worse than expected. Well, objectively, anyway. I enjoyed it somewhat.

Sleep is a hard thing to control. When I actually try, it rarely works out the way I want to. I then get frustrated, and stop trying. My “fair tries” usually work like this: I pick a period of time (usually about 30 minutes these days) where I try to go into sleep mode. When this inevitably fails, I say “fuck it” and start reading vns / writing vn reviews / writing blog posts. This happened today… and kept happening. Utilzing my Failure skill to the max, I managed to get only a three-hour nap-sleep-thingy in the evening and proceeded to wake up at midnight. I woke up in a half-zomibiefied state, headache graciously included. I suppose I paid a lot, ’cause it was rather taxing.

Oh god, that one was bad.

As I got up, I was resolved to get to work; I was tired as fuck, and thus unmotivated as fuck — but hey, my dad yelling at me is really fucking annoying.
Well, he could be away from the house, I guess… why not check?

A little miracle.

He was not there; apparently the municipality had found some work for him — he’s a preschool teacher, and employed in a pool of workers. Work suiting his circumstances has been kind of hard to find for management, though, due to his bad back.

As one does (if one is an irresponsible fuck like me), I decided to stay at home. Yes, it was fairly probable that my parents would discover this. The scolding would likely be significantly more ignorable than if he had been home previously, as well. Yaaaay.

I’ll note that I didn’t call in sick. I do also have a way to contact my boss using e-mail, but I did not do this either. How the fuck to people say they are
just not coming to work due to slackiness? I really don’t want to lie about being sick; I’ve done it already, and frankly it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I
prefer lying to my parents, people who give me deadlines, and the occasional person that is involved in any effort to get out of my slump. That and
psychiatrists. Presenting a moderately honest, decently optimistic front is probably one of my skills. How do you tell people you’re just floating by passively
in the stream of life, with the occasional languid breast-stroke marking a futile attempt at change? Nobody wants to hear that, and hell, five percent of the time I might actually think that myself. Incidentally, this kind of optimism tends to increase somewhat when I do something productive, like work, or visiting a psychiatric/whatever. Still, I’m aware I’m making barefaced lies when I see them.

I am not proud of this side of my personality, but I’ve more or less given up on fighting it 95% of the time. And so, I tell people what they want to hear, fail to live up to expectations, and ultimately fall down to my default NEET stage soon enough.

I didn’t really use to be like this. In secondary tier education, however, I was struck by a depression, blooming into a magnificent case of bipolar II disorder. I started skipping school, and eventually went below 70% attendance and stuffs. I didn’t reach out for help for a year or more. I said I was just lazy. People seemed to believe me. I resent that a bit.

Following a slow but steady path down into emotional instability and self-hatred, my grades went in a similar direction. After a long while, I visited a doctor, got meds, they helped a bit.

Not really as much as required, though. See, I think something inside me kind of broke that year. My spirit perhaps, if I may be metaphorical. I kind of wish I could return to the days of yore where I actually didn’t suck as much at life, but I suppose it’s a rather futile wish.

Incidentally, I’m making a somewhat spirited effort to actually regularly take my meds for that right now. It does seem to be somewhat of a help, at least. Regularity always was one of my problems.

From a faggot, with love.

Another day, another oportunity to cut things.

So, everything went better than expected.

Yaaaaaay.

I managed to acquire meds; I got to work in time.

Interestingly, I actually did get a mail from the guy monitoring my progress in the welfare program; he was somewhat concerned over my three-day absence. I have not replied to the mail; I figure my presence at work yestoday will be enough.

Rather less hot is the current time — 2:21 AM. It’s not just a lack of will to sleep; it’s quite difficult in general, too. I guess I’ll just have to tough it out todaymorrow — as I did yestoday, as well.

The guy I worked with today, whom I’ve worked with before for some time, is a pretty bad case of slackerdom.

There are some extenuating circumstances — he’s got a bad back or hip or something. I shall call him I-san henceforth.

I-san produces bags of firewood. This consists of a few steps.

*Load pieces of wood, approximately 1m in length, on a cart.
*Wheel cart into the cutting tent, which houses a circular saw.
*Place a wheelbarrow at the end of the sawing table to collect the logs.
*Cut off one end of the log. This is done so the wood looks nice and pretty to the customer, as it tends to be black or have some plant growing on it.
*Cut off the other end, this time making sure to keep one end of the log at a marker for the length of the log. Getting this right is fairly important.
*Move the log forward 30cm to the second mark, cut. A 30cm piece is thus born through the magic of sharp, spinning metal.
*Move log forward again. Cut.
*Push logs further into the wheelbarrow to avoid cluttering the front of it with logs and make dropping them off difficult.
*Repeat until wheelbarrow is full.

This was a pretty strenuous job until recently. However, we just got a new blade… and man, this thing cuts a million times better.

*Take the loaded wheelbarrow to another tent.
*Bring it up right in between two rectangular containers, in which logs are placed in a strategic manner.
*Load them logs with varying levels of gusto. Big logs in the bottom, wedge with smaller and more angular logs, fill in gaps well with small stuff.
*Drape a netted sack over the container.
*Tip the container, causing logs to spill into it and freeing it from the receptacle.
*Tie it closed with a double knot.
*Repeat until out of logs.

At this point, there will be a number of sawn-off ends in the wheelbarrow. These are used for some healthy competition/slacking time: one attepts to successfully throw them into a bag some two metres away. Scoring one’s effort is done by streaks: the more you hit in a row, the better. There’s even a high-score list in there. I currently lead… kind of. It’s complicated.

*Bring completed bags to storage area at end of day.

Of course, I-san being who he is, I ended up doing all the work. I don’t actually mind this; It’s just that personally, I came here to work. It has positive effects on my mental health.

Not that I’m amazingly diligent in any way. I spent a decent amount of time taking breaks lying in a convenient wheelbarrow, and after a certain time retreated to the facility’s computer room. I wasted an hour or two in there, changed back to my private clothing, and biked home.

I’m considering working all day tomorrow just to fuck with I-san, who for some reason (probably to keep expectations on his performance low) doesn’t want productivity to increase much. Slacking is just too boring for me to engage in for extended periods of time without the aid of computer games.

Nothing interesting happened at home.

A day of adventure

Things have gone just as planned today. Well, just as poorly as planned.

I’m sitting in Uppsala’s city library as I’m writing this. It’s fairly comfy. Having brought my delicious ATH-M50 headphones to enjoy the Katawa Shoujo OST with certainly helps, as well (and holy fuck I’m basically listening to classical in a library. It doesn’t get much more classy than this.).

It’s cold outside – not quite as cold as I first feared after temporarily misreading our home thermometer’s -2.2 as -22, though.

In the end, I didn’t actually manage to get any sleep. This admittedly made preparing for my departure today fairly easy, but isn’t doing me any favors on the not-having-fucking-headaches front.

My preparations were fairly simple: I packed my backpack to the best of my ability some hours prior to departure, filled my pockets with the requisite money (which I personally use to buy stuff), mobile (which people might call me on, though I actually set it to silent mode…) and pressed grape sugar (which tends to be useful when you have type 1 diabetes and fuck up your dosages). My backpack’s contents may require some elucidation: basically, I put my Remembering the Kanji textbook in there, as well as my notepad for practicing writing said kanji while reviewing. To go with this, I have a nice pen; I also have a less-nice (but pretty!) pen which I stab myself with for insulin injections. To placate the needs of the less-nice pen, I brought three disposable needle-tips; at the time of writing, I’ve already used one of them.

Given the inevitable no-sleep headache and general stupor, adding my RtK book and all was probably an unnecessary move. But hey, hope springs eternal. About as eternal as the time the 222 kanji I have up for review by now will take to review, really. Bluh.

But wait, there’s more! I also packed my laptop (an asus 1215n, in case you’re interested and/or able to share my pain at its quirks) and those headphones I mentioned earlier. Oh, and my Wireless Eroge Clicker(tm) — too bad its clicks are fucking loud as fuck and would be retarded in a library, but thems the breaks.

Yeah, that’s probably all I really need to talk about. There’s no need to mention the ski mask, or making sure to bring my ID so I can get more mood stabilizing meds when I head for home (as I’ve been out for some days. It’s possible this has contributed to my current negative spiral).

…Nope, no missed calls. It’s kind of eerie to have goofed off work for three days total and not have had any communications regarding it, I must say.

After getting out of the front door, I first did the responsible thing and checked out the closing hours for the local pharmacy. Turns out my feigned work period will end quite a bit before it closes — excellent! Now I only have to remember to actually go there as I get home. This may prove difficult. I give myself a probability of approximately 85% for success.

Well, the Katawa Shoujo OST selection finished up… and I’m not quite sure what to do now. I’m thirsty, but I’m also settled pretty well into this chair. What do I do? Well, I guess we’ll see about that soon enough.

//

My plans for today and tomorrow? Hopefully, I can stay awake until at least 20:00 today; after that, I’ll hopefully sleep for a long time and wake up ready to punch bears in the face (author has never woken up and been ready to punch a bear in the face in his life, but would welcome the sensation).

That’s all theorycrafting, of course. In all likelihood, I’ll fall asleep at 18.00, wake three hours later, get shitty sleep overall and get late for work, causing my social phobia to activate telling me I just shouldn’t go at all, because people wil lbe upset at me having gone, so I should avoid everything, juat like I did today, because that will totally make everything better.

That said, I’m onto you, social phobia fuckhead, and I’m pissed off. Are you really going to fuck around with me like this? I’m going whether you like it or not.

Or not.

Meh.

Sleep blues, and a premonition of failure

Todaymorrow isn’t looking that good right now, let me tell you.
It’s all my fault, of course. As always.

In fact, it’s getting worse the more time I spend writing this.

It’s 4:24 AM. I need to be awake at around 9:00 AM.

God, the tyranny of the alarm clock’s ring has me transfixed already.

I work a welfare job for the municipal government for six-ish hours a day, Wednesday to Friday. The assignments are somewhat varied, but generally tend to involve moving things from one place to another. I work outside, which is kind of nice for now. I do not look forward to first snow.

Last week wasn’t a good one.

Wednesday, I didn’t get to work because of lack of sleep making me supremely unwilling to.

Thursday was a day off with full pay, yay.

Friday I ditched work, but since I didn’t want my dad yelling at me more than necessary, that ditching was accomplished by biking to the city library and reading Memoarer är Prostutition — that’s Julian Assange – The Unauthorised Autobiography for you non-Swedes.

…Well, that’s getting slightly ahead of myself for the events of that Friday. I spent around forty minutes walking around in the entirely wrong area, trying to find aforementioned library. Eventually, I shamefully resorted to the tourist information center (but thankfully avoided any human interaction through the wonders of modern technology).
After discovering how ass-backwards my search had been, I ate at a Max (Swedish burger chain. Quite good.) — and then I got on with the whole reading books thing.

I feel like doing the same thing todaymorrow. Of course, if I skip work too much, I can get ejected from the welfare program.

That would be bad.

Nobody’s contacted me about my absence at all, to be honest. I guess I’m getting progressively more disconnected… again.

Yay.

…We’ll see what happens after I wake up. But for now, all I can say is: I’ll probably do a repeat of todaymorrow tomorrow, feel pretty shit about said repeat, and hopefully manage to properly adjust for Thursday.

Yeah, right.

That will totally work.

4:53 AM.